PARENTS - ADVERSARIES TO ALLIES

An important part of your responsibility as a school leader is to actively engage parents, caregivers, and families in an effort to establish positive home-school relations.  A huge measure of how successful you are as a building leader is how well you accomplish this task.  Here are three ways that I use to strengthen the home-school relationship, especially with difficult parents.

BE PROACTIVE: One of the best ways to deal with a difficult parent is to be proactive.  By this I mean, be the first one to reach out.  If you know there is an issue or you know a particular parent has a reputation or history for being difficult, unreasonable, rude, and maybe even aggressive then try to get ahead of any issues.  Call and introduce yourself.   Genuinely share something positive that you have noticed or learned about their child.  Invite the parent in to meet with you.  Try to establish a positive relationship BEFORE there is a need to contact them with potentially negative news.  Determine what communication method they prefer or works best for them BEFORE you have to contact them for a less than favorable reason.  If an issue occurs during the day involving a student, always seek to be the first one to tell the parent or guardian.  Don’t let the child get home and tell their version of the story before you have had a chance to inform the parent.  Preempt the situation.   Make the first contact.

PRESUME POSITIVE INTENTIONS: When you think of words to describe difficult parents what comes to mind?  I’m guessing nothing positive.  Annoying, angry, frustrating, unreasonable, aggressive, time consuming, overbearing - you get the idea.   Imagine if you could change these into more positive words.  Imagine if instead of the descriptors used previously, you started to see your most challenging parents as assertive, committed, persistent, determined, extremely caring, and involved. What if changing your thinking, changing your own personal mind set, had an impact on how your difficult parents presented to you?  Might you respond differently if you viewed them in a different light?  I have learned to recognize a parent's anger, over bearing demeanor and often frustrating, time consuming presence as a sign of advocacy for their child.  I choose to presume positive intentions and believe that both the parent and school have the same desires for the child - we both want the child to be successful and have a positive school experience. It is critical that as leaders we recognize that by advocating so strongly, albeit perhaps in a manner that some may deem inappropriate or “over-the-top, it is, in most cases, evidence that the parent cares about the child.   This may be the only way the parent knows HOW to advocate for their child.  Think positively about students and their parents.  If you assume a parent is coming into your school with an ax to grind and you assume a position of authority over the parent right from the get go, you are decreasing the odds that you will attain a win-win outcome. Be different.  Many parents have been coming to school year after year only to hear negative news about their child.  Or their own school experience may have been less than positive so they come with a preconceived idea of how they and their child will be treated by school officials.  You must be different.  Start every meeting on a positive note, no matter how small, and let the parent know you are there to help their child be successful.

TRULY LISTEN AND SEEK TO UNDERSTAND: When communicating with any parent or guardian but especially a difficult one, remain calm, impartial and seek to really listen.  Often truly listening involves reading between the lines of what the parent is saying to “hear” the real concern.  To listen effectively one must first stop talking.  This is often easier said than done.  Allow the parent to talk without interruption.  Do not talk over them or finish their sentences for them. Often, we develop the habit of assuming we know exactly what the parent is going to say and we interject our own thoughts or attempt to finish their sentences.  We become impatient thinking about the numerous other things we still have to do.  Relax, focus on the parent, be certain to minimize potential distractions such as electronic device notifications or physical interruptions, and help the parent feel comfortable enough to communicate their concerns with you.  Be patient and seek to understand what the parent is saying.  Ask polite, clarifying questions as needed.  The tone used by the parent and their body language can speak volumes, especially if one or both differ from the verbal message being communicated.  Listen to the words, the tone and observe body language to truly understand the message.  The ability to connect these three - words, tone and body language - and effectively interpret the information is a skill characteristic of highly effective leaders.

Dealing with difficult parents is more of an art than a science.  Highly effective principals recognize that the skills required to successfully engage in positive interactions with difficult parents are ones that everyone can use and anyone can master.  Treating difficult parents in a way that you yourself would want to be treated is a good rule to follow.